So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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