Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Randomize
