Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
