I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
These tits shall not be calmed
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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