woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
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