I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Randomize
