please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
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