If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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