woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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