I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
