apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
