My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
