Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
