It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
