I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
