mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
