He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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