At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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