You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
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I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
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ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
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