I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
