my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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