we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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