I never want to see another naked old woman again.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
