I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I made him laugh his dick is mine
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
