So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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