yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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