Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
