I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
