you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
