im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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