Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
