a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
well most of my day revolves around power hour
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
