Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
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