So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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