I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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