Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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