My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
