Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
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