I wanna passion pit in your ass
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
