I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
