Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
