I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
