Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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