my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
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