were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
