Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
