and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
