my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
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