Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
