Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
