1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
