I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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